Believe the Best

You have a choice.

You can choose to become a powerful person in response to controversy. 

You have control over your response when someone says or does something that hurts you.

You are not a victim. You are victorious.

Choose today to believe the best in others.

Your joy can only be affected by what you let your mind meditate on.

Into the Wild

One word, w i l d e r n e s s .

Have you ever been in a wilderness season?

You may wonder... What do you mean?

Exactly what is a wilderness season?

I have an answer!

I read somewhere that the wilderness season in a Christian’s life is when the road becomes narrow, only wide enough for that person and God. All others fall away so that God can have His fullest and most personal time with you. Inevitably, the question your faced with in this season would be, "who are you without people?".

When thinking on wilderness, I'm reminded of one time when I encountered the wild as a child. At that time in my life, I lived on Smith Mountain Lake which sit's nestled in the Blue Ridge Mountains. I loved it! So much nature and fresh air. I would climb tree's and go on adventures all the time. It's basically all I did.

I didn't have very many friends so most of my adventures where done alone. There is one time in particular that I remember taking the ‘adventure’ aspect too far. At the bottom of my community, just on the other side of my neighbor's barn and across the creek, stood a large mountain.. I don’t think the mountain’s name was Smith… he was just a mountain, but I had it set in my little heart to conquer him! 

I voyaged out early one Saturday morning to do just that.  Young Rachel had no fears. Even though I could hear the roars of wildebeest's in my bedroom at night, I continued anyways.

The entire day was spent on this hike. I wandered through the wildflowers and down by the stream. The sky overhead adorned by the most beautiful shade of blue. A memory of complete perfection. Plus, there was a hint of rebellion knowing that mom had no clue where I was.

But then everything changed.

It seemed almost suddenly the day turned dark. The sun began to set and fast. The night became more real with every passing second. Once I stopped, I realized that just beyond the last tree in eyesight was a subdivision… not my subdivision. This wasn't good. The fearless Rachel began to panic.

What was I to do? Third grader's didn't have cellphones attached to them. 
Should I go knock on a stranger’s door? I hope their safe. I hope they let me call my Mom.

Adrenaline kicked in and all common sense left me. I turn and ran. Sprinted is actually a better word. There was no way I could have gone faster. I sprinted past tree after tree and hoped over fallen brush.

But then pain happened. A thorn snagged my hand. Blood began to drip. This lovely rose had caused a grisly scene. 

GREAT.

Now, not only was I lost but I was bleeding and crying.  The darkness continued to fall. The sounds of night arose around me.

I arrived at the bottom of my community just as the woods turned black. I think about how lucky I was. I could have been a story you see on the 10 o’clock news, “8 yr Old Girl Missing, Where is She?"

I wasn’t missing, though. I had reached safety. In a frenzy I ran to my neighbor's doorstep. She bandaged up my wounds and offered comfort to my soul. 

Fast forward to present day, that same girl who was lost on a mountain works for one of the biggest ministries in the world. I have responsibilities, an apartment, and a cat. Some would say that I've successfully navigated these first few years of adulthood. 

Success doesn't mean it's been easy, though. 

If we're being honest, I still feel like that little girl unsure of what's to come.
I'm in the wilderness again... but this time it's different.

Instead of freaking out, I know that God is the rock I stand on. I don't have to be afraid. 

If you're in a wilderness season, that's ok... I'm in one too.

We'll get through it, you and me. He has us here for a reason. I have chosen to consecrate in my heart Paul's word's from Philippians,

"By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back"

An Ear When Needed

I forget that when living at the Dream Center there is no such thing as normal. When I step outside my front door, I'm on a battleground and there are souls at stake. The days are long but the nights usually calm as the hustle and bustle of visitors on campus halts. Last night was different.

After a few errands, I arrived back to the Dream Center and decided to play basketball with a friend. I play almost every day... that's normal. I headed inside the main building to have our security guard Matthew unlock the court. When I entered through the main doors, there was a family sitting in the chairs outside the front office. Although it was after hours and the staff had been long gone I didn't think much of it because that's not something that's unusual. I moved along towards the security office. Matt and I arranged a time later in the evening that he would unlock the basketball court for my friend and I to play. I went back to our house across the parking lot to tend to a few chores.

When the time arrived for Matt to open the court my friend Jaime joined me for a game of horse. It didn't last very long though because it was freezing that night. We both decided that it was way too cold to continue playing. That's not normal. Basketball is my favorite sport. I play in the rain, sleet, snow, and hail. OK, maybe that's an exaggeration but typically weather doesn't stop me from playing. It's my favorite thing so for me to say it was too cold to continue was a big deal. The temperature said it was 27 degree's but the wind gusts were blistering and made it feel much more frigid.

For no clear reason, I headed back into the main building. Over an hour had passed and yet the same family was in the same spot seated in the chairs outside the front office.

"Matt, what are they doing here?” I finally asked.

 He shared what he knew.

The mother had found herself homeless the day before. She really needed a place to charge her phone and use the restroom. He had gotten the family some food and let them sit in the hallway. It was a family of six. One Mom, five children. The youngest being only a few months... and this was the night that she found herself with no place to go.

As I sat in the chair outside the security office, something caught the corner of my eye. Two of the five children were walking past the door, smiling and waving at me. It was adorable. I said hello and smiled while waving back in their direction. They kept walking.

Moments later the little girl had made her way back to me. This time she took one step into the hallway I was in but stood at the door as if waiting for permission to come closer. 

"Watcha doin'?", I asked her. 

"Nothin'", she responded. 

"Hey, ya know what? Do you want to color with me?” I asked. 

 She smiled and said yes. I turned to ask Matt for the keys to the kid's ministry classrooms.

"You think it'd be ok if I went up there with them and let them play for a while?"

"I won't tell if you won't.”

We made our way upstairs. As I unlocked the door and flipped the lights on, each child stood amazed at the room before them. It was still a mess from the service that morning, but they didn't care. 

"Wow. This is awesome", I heard their little voices say.

They scurried straight towards the video game systems when I turned them on. They had no idea how to play, though. I'm certain that they had never touched one in their lives. I taught each of them step by step how to play their game. They loved every second of it.

The mom came in shortly after with the baby, uttering the same words the children had. 

I showed her some of the other classrooms and shared with her the heart behind what we do. She thought everything was just the bee's knees. As the kid's continued playing, I moved to go sit down on the couch next to her. We began with small talk about how awesome everything was until I asked her how she ended up at the Dream Center that night.

"We needed a place to brush our teeth and use the bathroom. The Dream Center has always been such a big help to my family that I figured we'd come here..."

"You've been here before?” I asked since I didn't recognize them.

"Oh yeah, I've been comin' to the pantry and using the clothing boutique for probably about a year now."

(How awesome is it that because we continually met her physical need she knew the Dream Center was a safe place to come in an emergency!)

She continued to share her story. All I had to do was sit back and listen. I think more than anything she just wanted someone to care. The stories were terrible. The beautiful baby boy who lie in her arms, just a few months old, almost wasn't born because the father beat her so bad. I could see the tears welling in her eyes. Never did she let them out. She was strong for her family. She talked about how scared she was and how this had never happened before. She told me why other people, including relatives, wouldn't take her in and how she wasn't eligible for food stamps to feed her children either.

I told her I understood why she didn't leave the guy any sooner. She felt so much shame for remaining with him as long as she did. I shared with her that as a kid I had the same type of relationship with a family member. When you're in an abusive situation you're don't think clearly and often you switch into survival mode. You're view on love gets twisted - you hope that eventually things will change but typically they don't so it becomes a cruel cycle. We connected over the fact that even though we were completely different we shared similar life stories. I love that the age gap between her and I could be so great but it didn't matter in the grand scheme of life.

 "Do you know where you're going tonight?” I eventually asked.

"No. I called some shelters but most of them went to voicemail and the ones that didn't said to come in tomorrow."

Having some experience with shelters, I thought I could help. I called around the area to see if there was any information about emergency services with the temperature being so low.

Nope. 

They were not very nice... and definitely not helpful. My heart broke at that moment for this mother of five because I wasn't able to find her somewhere to go but also because this was the system she was entering into. The people running it didn't care whether she was in their shelter or on the streets. It broke my heart to go back into the classroom and share the news. 

We knew the evening was winding down and soon they would be heading back out into the cold. I gave each kid a stuffed animal friend to take with them on the journey. It wouldn't be easy and I figured they could use a friend to hold when it gets hard. They also wanted Joyce's book on salvation. I wouldn't dare tell them no!

We began cleaning up. The children were so helpful! They tried cleaning the whole room even though they didn't make half the mess! That made the coming goodbye much more difficult.

With that, I approached the mother. I don't think I even introduced myself. I simply offered to let her kids go play for a while. She left it up to them and it was a unanimous "yes!”

"Wow. This is great... really, really great."

When Matt joined us upstairs he offered to grab a few blankets for the family to take with them. We snapped a quick picture because I wanted to remember them, their faces, and this story.

It was time for goodbye. The mother wanted to hug me, sleeping baby in arm. I absolutely wanted to hug her. My heart sank. 

I thought about them this morning as I scraped the ice off my windshield in the dark. This one messed with me.

A Grand Hazy Picture

"Usually that's just how it happens, I blog what I'm thinking about."

That's what Sarah Foster said last night while standing in the kitchen washing dishes. It got me thinking. I asked myself...what are you thinking though...really?

Here's what's running through my mind currently.

It's my last week running the feeding program. If you know anything about my time spent here then you know I've been doing this since the day I arrived on campus...well almost, but since January fo sho. I started out on fire for what I was getting to do. However, slowly but surely, I began to get tired. It's a ton of work! Physically feeding 863 kids a day is no small feat.

Still, the Lord's calling me higher. Higher than cutting pizza and making bags. Higher than just spending an hour a day out on the street getting to know these kids. You know, the kid's who have a panic look on their face when you run out of bags because they truly don't know where that night's dinner is coming from. That's a different story, though.

What's higher look like? I'm not sure. I do know that it means switching over into spiritually feeding the kids here in the inner-city. Yepp. Next week I start my work in 'Children's Ministry'

And I'll be honest, physically feeding these kids is going to look like a cake walk compared to the barriers the Lords going to have to tear down in the process of my next season. Why do I say that? My whole life satan has convinced me that even though I have something to speak up about no one will listen...or they'll make fun of me... because of the impediments I've had in my speech since childhood. You talk to fast, you mumble, you have a lisp, you blank on stage(not a speech impediment but it happens.) There's some serious spiritual warfare going on with satan trying to keep my mouth shut and God, the Ultimate Victor, bringing forth a well of living water out of my inner most being.

So what will I do? Go. Proclaim the good news of the Gospel to...currently...the children of St. Louis...and eventually....the nations.

On another note, let's talk about the nations...and life after the Dream Center. I can confirm that what many of ya'll have spoken over my life with missions and foreign lands is something the Lord is also bringing about in me. He hasn't definitively laid out His plan of where or how or when but peace has come over my spirit about the whole ordeal. Not just peace but joy as well. I can't wait to get to doing what He's put in me to do. Which by the way... I know what it is He wants me to do. Again not specifically like He's given me all the answers but as a grand picture... a grand hazy picture.

Every time I think forward to the future and what I feel Him prompting me to do it brings tears of gladness and thankfulness. Surprising because I'm not even all that emotional of a person! Thank you Lord for choosing me and entrusting me with what you've called me to do. The best part is how even with all I've envisioned about the future, He's going to do immeasurably more because it's His power I'm walking in.

Anyways, I didn't mean for this post to be so serious. It is indeed what I'm thinking though after I weed through all the random song lyrics and other odd things that go through my head.

So that's where this leads me. Following Gods calling to the Dream Center is by far the best thing I've ever done. He's doing so much in me here that I can't even begin to put it into words.

The most beautiful thing about this whole grand hazy picture is that this is just the beginning.


(p.s. lemme give a blog shout out to Foster, ya'll should check her's out. sarahannfoster.wordpress.com)

No Crafty Titles Here

Hiya everybody!

It's been awhile, I know. To tell the truth I've had no desire to write anything lately. That's why it's been awhile.It's not that I have nothing to say, I do. I've kept a list of things and stories I wanted to tell ya'll when I felt like getting around to putting my thoughts into complete coherent sentences. I guess now is that time

Let's get started, shall we?

 On street last Friday there were a few people who weren't really receptive to the Word at all but the seed was planted. I found myself thinking I had better things I could be doing after the fifth person said no to prayer or what not...like sleep. I love sleep. Sleep doesn't get people saved though. Anyways here's what God reminded me of....

He's a pursuer of souls.

At least He pursued me. I almost forgot...or really it's just not a daily thought... that there was about a year in between me first getting the seed of the Word planted in my heart and it harvesting into a follower of Christ. Let me simplify that statement, as a freshman I attended my church for the first time but it wasn't until the summer between my sophomore and junior year that I surrendered my life to the Lord. In that in between time God was the last thing on my mind....but He was still there....somewhere in the back tugging at my heart strings. Drawing me into Him, closer and closer. The beautiful thing is to this day and for all the rest of my days... He's still doing it. He's still drawing me closer and closer. How wonderful that is! The moral to this is that I got to thinking about how its not a multitude of my words that draw people into Him....it's a few of His. I don't have to save people...that's not my job. All I gotta do is let the world know He loves you. He really super-de-duper does. I promise.

On a lighter note, a girl asked me to sing at her church. I awkwardly changed the subject. Ain't nobody sticking me on stage...I get scared. She said it'd be an honor to have me sing, though. What a compliment!

I lied about the no one sticking me on stage thing... I have a part in Kidzjam this weekend. I'm doing the memory verse for the first time...on stage....in front of people. I'm believing God for no word vomit...amen.

I wanted to tell ya'll a story from Adopt A Block.... it's a good one. Promise. So here I am standing on the porch at Ms. Stephanies' , she's a wonderful lady the DC knows real well, when I get a surprise visit. My main man, a little boy named Jamond, rolled up in the passengers seat of his grandma's car. It was the absolute cutest thing because his grandmama, who I work with every day in the feeding program, told me that he demanded she drive around until they found me. They found me....it made my day.


Anywho, today I had a thought that changed my perspective on life a little. Something I'm growing in while I'm here in St. Louis is confidence in the gifting's He has given me. While listening to something that was talking about how He's the most creative thing to ever exist I realized what an honor I have bestowed upon me. He has specifically placed within me the ability to be a glimpse into His measure of creativeness. He's called me out of my comfort zone, into deep water, to pull forth this creativeness. Especially when I don't want to do it at all.

You know what kills creativity? Busyness.

Boy am I busy. All the time there's something to do. Never a dull moment here at the DC, that's for sure. Above all else though I am being awakened to the fact that I am a vessel for His creativeness to flow through.

So whats my next step in the awakening? Refining the raw talent that He's placed within me. After all.... I've never even tried to do anything with it...ever. No classes, no nothing. Just a hobby.

hmm my final thought for tonight... who knows, maybe a hobby could become a calling.

(P.s. sorry for the grammar... I happen to be way to tired to go back and fix every little thing)

Crisis Mode Airplane and the Girl Afraid of Flying

While in the air on my way to Atlanta last Monday I was actually blogging to you guys. It kinda turned into me live blogging my thoughts during a flight that went into crisis mode. Little did I know that it was the beginning of a very long couple of days. I thought I'd share it with ya'll just because I took the time to write it in the first place. Enjoy :)

'Why hello there! Currently you are being written to from 30,000 feet in the air.

Exciting right?

Mmm for me it's actually scary. I know the Wright brothers are North Carolina bred and all (its where all the cool people hail from) but the whole concept of something that weighs this much not crashing at some point is flabbergasting! Therefor, my blog readers, I must confess to you that I am afraid of flying. Some neato things about this particular flight though are that the people on it are super friendly and there's a plethora of people watching to be done.

I like to observe people. I do it most everywhere I go. In the airport I was reminded whilst sitting among a crowd of people that not only does God know how many hairs are on my head (which is impressive because it changes constantly) but He knows the deepest most inner being of all the people that surrounded me. He is not limited to situations or places or people. He's vast and expansive and His love covers all.

On a lighter note, spring break has officially begun! Woooo, a break... a breath of fresh (country :) ) air! I'm rather excited to be heading to West Virginia to see my moms side of the family and to meet my soon to be step father for the first time. More so, I'm excited for a switch of titles. For a week I am no longer called the inner-city missionary but instead beloved daughter, aunt, and temporary care taker...who also happens to be pretty cool because she's from North Carolina which...of course... is where all the cool people are from.

Can you tell I miss my state...just a little?

I'm changing topics... that one might make me sad. The flight has taken a rather large route change according to the pilot. An extra 45 minutes has been added to our flight time...which will make that hour and a half layover much shorter. Oh wait, turbulence. Crap. The quick descend has my heart racing. Every muscle in my body tense as we pass through this weather front. Delayed once again. Remember that fear... this doesn't help. Plus I get motion sickness easy. Boo. Hopefully this will end soon.'

It didn't end soon. I flew through thunderstorms and turbulence so bad I was grabbing the back of the seat in front of me. Not to mention I spent the night In the ATL airport. That'll have to be a different blog. Some of the craziest things happened that night. But for now Im about to fly back to St. Louis.

...Lets pray this trip goes smoother even though its pouring down snow!

Late Night Rambles

I broke my computer a few weeks ago. I know... shocking. Actually, it's probably not. You're probably sitting there thinking, 'Rachel, you loose or break every precious thing to you...let's be honest.' Or maybe you're not thinking that. Sadly, it's the truth.

There is a point to my rambling. You must know that I haven't forgotten the promise I made before heading out to the big city. The one where I vowed to blog at least once a month. I inscribed it upon my heart...set it in stone. No matter what, I won't let ya'll down! Currently, I'm writing this thing (for the 2nd time since it deleted my 1st time) from my I-pod. I'm askin' for you to have patience with me since it's practically impossible to have proper grammar on these things. BUT my Bible says nothing's impossible with God.

Here's to keeping my word. Sit back, kick your feet up, and happy reading.

Actually, one more thing before I go any farther. I wanna give a shout out to someone from way back in my Leadership College days who always is speaking encouragin' things that make me want to blog more... because well, I actually have an audience! Surprising! MadDawg....this ones for you.

Today I went to Joyce Meyer Ministries to receive training for the prayer lines. There's a chance every other Monday that if you call the ministry to receive prayer...I'll be the one liftin' you up before the Father. It's a privilege... It really is. I'm rather excited to begin! JMM is a wonderful place. As you pull down Grace Parkway you'll see flags flyin' on both sides of the drive that represent all the different countries the ministry has an impact in. Today was a little breezy so they flew extra well. My favorite thing about the place has to be the game room though. Some of the girls learned my secret talent today. Be on the lookout to see me in the Olympics soon. I have mad air hockey skills. Ok I'm not that good... I just went 4 for 4 in my wins today. Besides air hockey's not even an Olympic sport. Somehow ping pong...oops I mean table tennis is though. In that case air hockey should be an Olympic sport. That's my argument and I'm sticking to it.

It's late and I'm tired. I'm sure my babbling is entertaining. Hmmph... I think I want to share with you guys a few entries from my journal that I have written over the last couple weeks whilst we've been disconnected. Then ima have to call it a night. I need my beauty sleep. Surely, you must understand.

February 26, 2013:
Little boy, 13, called Bobo. Hatred smoldering in his eyes. One blackened because an older boy just punched him. There's no consoling. He talks of shooting. He says to not let go or else he doesn't know what he'll do... But he knows he'll go after the guy who hit him and pushed his little sister. Protective. F-bombs dropped- not surprising. Inner-city kids; God's creation. His Image. Beautiful.

March 4th, 2013:
In my homeland, the great state of North Carolina, I don't believe it's all to common to see all that much when you go to take the trash out. Maybe, if you're lucky, a doe-eyed dear will cross paths with you or you'll catch a glimpse of a raccoon and it's babies waiting for you to go back inside so they can explore your trash to find dinner. That's country life. City life is different...MUCH different. Tonight, I took the trash out. But instead of my animal friends, I saw three police cars with red and blue lights flashing. They were sitting outside of the campus gates with three guys handcuffed on the ground. Oh yea..that's right. I'm in the hood. I'm nosey, I'll admit, so I watched until they stuck the guys inside separate police vehicles. Ooo someone's in trouble. There's never a dull moment here at the DC. Even taking of the trash out can be exciting!

Ok that's two short entires. I'm rather exhausted at this point and I need to be up at 5:30 to hit the gym. It takes twice as long to post from your I-pod... Just in case you were curious. In closing, (just because all my English teachers told me to never end with that) I've enjoyed our time together. I hope we can do this again real soon. Until then, sleep tight world.

Today

As far as I know, little boys don't just dream of growing up to be drug dealers. Little girls don't dream of growing up to be someone who feels like they need to sell their body to make a way in life.

Oh no, little boys dream of being firemen or baseball players. Little girls dream of being princesses or singers.

Where's the disconnect?

There are little kids dreaming of growing up to be just like Mommy and Daddy, when Mommy and Daddy don't walk like Jesus. They can't be judged. They're doing the best they can do. They're doing all they've known. It's a generational thing. Somewhere along the way someone made a bad decision and it's impacted...generations.

What you're doing now...what you're doing today...it'll impact more than just you. It'll impact the futures of your great grandkids, their kids, and far more.

Did you get that?

What you do with this day will impact generations.

That's a heavy statement to bare, but truth none the less.

I get the opportunity to meet kids here all the time. I see hurt, confusion, pain, brokenness... all the time. Fear in the eyes of a child is not a beautiful thing. I get close enough to these kids to tie their shoes and paint their faces. Best believe I pray over them every chance I get. God, protect them. God, guide them. God, love them.

You want to see a change in the world? It starts with them. It starts with mentoring, loving on, teaching, raising up...them. To be all God has created them to be in all it's splendor and glory.

Don't want to spend time fixing adults? Spend time nurturing children. Then there will be less adults that need 'fixing'.

In my head I have this glorious picture of what the world should look like. Little girls playing on swings not awaken to what sex is because they've been molested. Little boys pedaling bikes not pedaling drugs. (Do you pedal drugs? I feel like that isn't an actual term for what people do...but it works well here...so yeah lets go with that.) Fathers and Mothers who are husbands and wives first and foremost. Most importantly I envision family's that are centered around Jesus, anchored to what He's called them to do. That's beautiful.

And guess what....

It starts with o.n.e.

It starts with y.o.u.

Gospel Choirs and Mallow Squeeze

(written Friday)

So... here's the deal. I've tried to sit and write ya'll three times in the last two days, and nothing has come out of that. I will not claim writers block since there's power in my words but I will say my wittiness and charm are running a little slow lately, because well that's the honest truth.

I guess the best thing that makes for a good read is straight up authenticity, so here it is.

Sometimes I get lost in the busyness here. In those times all I think about is the task at hand, and I love it. I really do. But every night in the few hours I have to myself I think of ya'll. I've busted out the Christmas coffee house DVD twice already. If Khristen or Marc read this...you guys are so stankin' talented. Certain songs make me miss home too. If you want honesty, it's hard the first few months you're this far away from home. I underestimated the degree to which it would effect me. I truly thought the homesick blues would skip right over me, but apparently they haven't. So yes, the point to this...just know I miss you and I think of you often.

Ok now that that's out of the way let me tell you this. I love worship. More so, I love spontaneous worship. I got to do some of that last night. It was great. I also joined the choir here. It ain't nothing like home. Never before have I one: been a soprano or two: sung so gospely. so. many. runs. Hot tea is my best friend. Ok that's a lie, sweets are probably my best friend.

Working in the food ministry I have way too many opportunity's to eat. All the manual labor we do almost balances it out though. All I need is cardio and I'm good to go. Oh gosh.. I miss crossfit. Some of the girls do workout videos but that just ain't the same. I can't bring myself to do it. It's also way to cold for basketball. I don't really know what the point is of me telling you this. Just wanted to be detailed of my experience here I guess. :)

Tonight was the volunteer banquet. We had senators and congressman and all sorts of other distinguished guest come out to give thanks to all the wonderful volunteers that serve at the Dream Center in some capacity. It was a fun night. I got to wait tables and dance on stage like a fool before handing out prizes to some lucky winners. I may or may not have ice on my ankle currently from an accident that happened while leaving backstage.

After all was said and done....we went to froyo. Mmmm, froyo. I love cake batter froyo with strawberries, cookie dough, hot fudge and mallow squeezed on top. So good. Ya know what else is good? Fitz's root beer! If you saw the picture of the float I posted then there'd be no arguing that they're the best. There is definitely some good eatin' in the city.

..........................................................................................................

Two days later I am now getting around to finishing this thing. Really it's just rambling but I figured it's best ya'll know. I sang in the choir today. It ain't Hillsong no more. I also ran the food pantry with one of the other girls. We almost didn't make it back in time to sing again. Today's a peaceful day. Filled with movies and alone time. It's wonderful.

Welp that's all I got for now...maybe...probably not. but I've prolonged posting this for too long so...

here ya go :)

Updates and Whatsnot.

   .....So, where do I begin?

 

   We've had no wifi which is why I've been so distant, please accept my apologies. I've been journaling so I could remember every little detail that I may want to put in this thing...also it's a good practice to put into habit.

 

   I may just use this post as a moment to sit back and tell ya'll a few different little stories instead of painting a grand picture of what my times been like so far. My hands hurt from the weather so the less typing the better.

 

   I'll start with my story from ECD (early childhood development....church.) last Sunday. It was my Sunday department...now it's not. I was moved to the pantry but that's a whole different story.

I had three little boogers. Okay really only two boogers and one sweetheart. One of the little girl boogers sat in my lap. She has taken quiet the attachment to me. I could tell because anytime I left her side she would cry out for me.

 

   ..... Hold up, I feel a Jesus correlation....

God never, ever, ever leaves my side....but if by some chance I'm not walking with Him and I know that He's the source of my love, all I have to do is cry out for Him. And just like it happened with my little girl booger, He'll swoop in and carry me, and my hold my hand, and guide me. That's my Savior.

 

   So with the little girl in my lap, well I held her a little closer than I normally would with other peoples children....because in that moment God showed me a picture of what was waiting for her once she left the Dream Center. It's not that her family is terrible, her mom is such a sweet lady and serves within the church. It is, however, that when you live in the inner-city you can only shelter your children but so much. The sirens, shots going off, cursing, fighting, a principality is over St. Louis. A glance of all that is what I saw while she was sitting in my lap watching a zoo movie...sucking her thumb, and playing with my ear.

 

One more ECD story....

 

Standing before me was the sweetheart booger just a little boy but all dressed up like a grown man. Looking sharp in his dress slacks and button up. But when I looked at him I saw what this society generally makes of young men like him. I pictured the guy's I see walking down the street or what not. I think I pictured this because he was quiet and composed and sat patiently while he watched the other two girl boogers hold my attention and affection. It didn't take long to break him though. I motioned for him to come sit by us, and he did, but he pulled his chair to me as close as it could get and latched on to hug my side. My heart swooned because eventually I want to adopt a little boy just like him. He held my hand and had tickle fights, and the child in him came forth once more.

 

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

IT MAKES EVERYTHING WORTH IT.

 

 

Ok actually, I'm tired of telling stories. I'll post hopefully again tomorrow...or soon, with more of what's been going on. I miss home and all ya'll there but God's doing some huge things in me here. I can't wait to see how my time unfolds here and what will come out of this.

 

hope ya'll enjoyed this one...keep an eye out for the next :)

 

XOXO.

 

Abundant Blessings and Unexpected Expenses

Friends,

 I do apologize for not blogging in over a month. Life's been crazy with work, the holidays, and preparing for STL. I'm not sure how I want to update ya'll, so I'll just dive right in.

I'm blessed. In many different ways but especially by the relationships I've been granted. I'd like to give a shout out to the woman who knew I was in need of clothes for cold weather and took me shopping to get them.

Did I mention she got me boots too?

Yeah, abundantly blessed.

Then today I realized I forgot I needed to get my Hep A shot still. They're mad expensive. Unexpected expenses stink. Even more so when you were planning on buying a coat with the money you now have to spend on the shot.

Speaking of money...still short on tuition by $475. Boo.

No worries here though, somehow someway my God's going to provide. He ALWAYS provides what I need. I'm His child, He won't leave me lacking.

(Wanna support what God's doing in this season of my life? Let me know. It would be much appreciated and a HUGE blessing!)

Welp let's see...what else can I tell ya'll....

I started packing today. The thing with moving by airplane and shipping your stuff behind you is you need to be really strategic with what you pack in your carry on.

I have it down to a science so I can fit the maximum amount of things in the smallest amount of space. After all I have to live off that stuff until the rest of my stuff arrives.

Anyways, I'm sure I have more to share but I'm really tired. 6 a.m. shifts make for calling it an early night. Sorry this post wasn't more funny- I have no funny stories. I know....sad. Where's the humor!?
OK now I'm just delirious...and I need some time with Jesus before I sleep.

In my closing, I'm going to miss living in the south. I realized that while listening to the radio. The song southern comfort zone may now be the anthem to this move. so yeah. that's the thought I'm leaving you with.

Goodnight all!

Charlie Brown and Apple Pie

I have two things. None of which are super deep. Enjoy.

Today at work..there was a brief moment where I lost my mind for a second.  It was in my first 10 minutes there (like 7 in the morning). I was on front line...people saw.

They called me cute.
I think it was my smile...or grin. Whatever, I have a dimple that's all that matters.


Wanna know something? I secretly like being called cute...because well I think I'm adorable...and people don't notice my adorableness often. They did. It made me smile.


Thing two.... as I was standing in the kitchen staring at whatever slop was on my plate (turkey fettuccine alfredo? no thank you.)

Omi: Are you just standing in there?
Me: Yeah I can't decided if I want to eat this or not.
Omi: Well come in here, watch this (Charlie Bown) with me...
Me: Oh no thanks I don't really like Charlie Brown
Omi: WHAT?! You don't like Charlie Brown? You're unAmerican!
Me: Nuh huh I like apple pie and politics...

Gotcha...you cant deny my Americaness after I throw in apple pie and politics. I win.

Anyways, I told you...nothing deep. I did promise myself I'd try to write a little everyday though. I don't want to go stale again.

Speaking of stale..I just tried to sketch something out...yeah that's stale...like month old bread stale.(stale still sound like a word to you?)
If you saw it you'd probably think otherwise but I like beautiful things not..well..whatever that turned out as.

Oh and I spent forever trying to upload an album to facebook today of pictures from way a long time ago...it stunk. Made me miss my LC family though. As soon as I finished the album...I lost wifi...boo. Hoping to post it tomorrow.

Welp, that's it...that's all I got for now.

Oh wait no that's not all I got...

Remember how in my last post I said I felt jipped on work hours this week but Gods providing? I got 7 hours again today instead of my scheduled 4..and last night at connect group someone blessed me with more money than I deserved...on purpose. I like people like that.

Ok... nooooow I'm done.

My Life Lately

Sheeeew,

A lot of ya'll have been asking what I'm up to these days since I'm not in the Leadership College and all....and by a lot I mean like 10. But 10 is enough for me to want to blog my day, so here it is :)

I have a job. I work at a local fast food joint. I'll keep which one private just in case some creeper see's this...but if you really listen closely to how I describe my day I promise you would probably be able to guess if you're from JoCo.

This day in particular I got up at 6:15. It feels like high school all over again. I'm on this crazy whack sleep schedule so I may have gotten like maybe 5 hours of sleep...at best. Needless to say I was in a pretty crumby daze when we left the house.

Luckily for me, in the car I was greeted with the most spectacular sunrise. On a side note, my spotify thinks I really want to listen to Bob Marley..I don't. Anyways, this sunrise words can't describe. I found myself looking at it thinking, "look how great our Creator is!" I wanted to share with dad how beautiful I thought it looked but he doesn't get excited about much so I kept my mouth shut. Then he says, "wow look how pretty that is"....yeah that should tell you something.

I get to work and clock in. My numbers 62. Grab a jacket for drive thru, put on my hair net (yeah I wear hairnets...its the new craze, ya dig?) and my hat...oh and my headset for drive thru. Then it's welcome to...insert restaurant name...may I take your order. Unless they move me which today they did.

I'm glad I wasn't technically packing food...last time I packed food for drive thru I burnt the mess out of my arm...that's not fun.

Today I worked what they called the coordinator. I gave people their food and made drinks. Would you like any honey mustard, BBQ, or ranch to go with your meal? I say that... a ton. What's great is that I like front line. I get to smile at 8 bajillion people because well it's the most popular fast food restaurant around. I also like telling people to have great days.

Oooo I can tell you fun customer stories.

I saw a woman put hot sauce in her Pepsi today.....gross. At first I thought it was tea she was putting hot sauce into. In my head I made the joke ohh I guess that's a new kind of hot tea. ha.

I get winked at all the time, I find it slightly creepy. It's always older men. One guy I let slide though because he had his Bible in arm ready for some time in the Word with his sweet tea...yeah I like that guy.

I got called baby and doll. Seriously though, these older men around here are wild. I guess it's a southern thing.

Today, I was granted extra hours because another Rachel was taken off schedule...hooray! I felt jipped on hours this week and Gods providing. I worked 7 hours in total.

By the end of my shift I was doing everything. Packing food, restocking cups and ice, cleaning sanitizer water...this job has made me a boss at multitasking.

2 o'clock came around and I clocked out and grabbed my sweatshirt...which someone got something wet on...boooo. I walked outside to not find my ride waiting patiently for me. I waited....and waited....waited some more. Never showed up. So like any teenage girl who left her phone at home that day...I started the ehh I'd say 5 mile walk home. Alone.

Luckily I only made it about half a mile down the road before I saw my ride.

So yeah here I am sitting at home rocking an old Harley Davidson T-shirt....my dads. We're dog sitting my aunts dogs for the next couple of weeks. Princess wanted to come cuddle with me but she took one whiff and I realized I stink....she opted for my feet instead.

I have childcare for a connect group in just a few hours...hopefully I'll get the babies! I love babies...they're way to adorable.

That's may day. Lots of work...bringing in that money. Just kidding. Bringing it in and keeping it in until I get the opportunity to put all this work and effort towards what Gods called me to do.

....He's wonderful by the way.

Oh one last interesting part to my day. I realized fast food is a stressful job within my first couple hours there. I get frustrated sometimes so here's a quirk I have. In order to remind myself why I'm putting myself through all this I wanted something on my person while working that would remind me of Saint Louis. I had nothing. The only thing I brought back was a hoodie I bought at the airport because I lost mine. Until I remembered one of the DC girls gave me chapstick because my lips where killing me while I was there.

Long story short, I keep that chapstick in my back pocket.... whenever times get hard. I wipe my hand on my back pocket....because that's not awkward at all. Then all is well again.


So, that's what I'm up to. Oh and I'll probably play guitar later...or basketball. They're my outlets lately.

Grandad's Are Something To Be Cherished

Ever since I moved back in my grandparents’ house a few weeks ago I have found myself more intrigued by my grandfather. You see he doesn’t get out of bed often (he’s sick…really sick) and when I first moved in my grandmother and dad where in Maryland visiting family. I took care of him for a few days (cooked, catered to, and all those other things) making me realize I’m absolutely not ready to run a household…that junks hard. But it also reminded me that my family wouldn’t exist…I wouldn’t be here… if it hadn’t been for him.

I view my grandfather differently now... I view a lot differently now. I guess I’m growing up.  I call him Papa; always have ever since I was a little girl. When I was young he’d take me to baseball games with some of my other cousins. He got free tickets because he ushered for the Orioles.  I don’t remember them much.  Except Tejada I could probably tell you everything about Tejada…and Sosa…and Ripken Jr. Yeah I certainly remember how much my papa loves Cal Ripken Jr. In Maryland his office had a signed picture/article/plaque thing above the work desk. My Papa has more baseball memorabilia than any one man needs.  When I first moved in my room was filled with it all. Boxes upon boxes upon boxes of baseball cards all neatly organized into albums. I’m told he has some that are actually worth something. Let’s not forget the signed baseballs or hats or bobble heads or shirts or jackets or…yeah you get the point. He’s a fan. Did I mention his name is James…but everyone calls him Buddy. That just sounds like a baseball fans name if you ask me.

He has an obsession with wars. He can tell you anything about history. That’s probably where I get my love for it from. Call me a geek, it’s cool. I like learning about years past. It’s kind of funny because a lot of what he watches is World War Two stuff… my grandma gets annoyed sometimes. You’ll figure out why later. I like watching movies with him about World War Two. We watched Band of Brothers the other day…such a sad movie. The Holocaust gets me every time…I’m a crier I’ll admit. Fun story- growing up you couldn’t get me to read a book unless it was about World War Two and the Holocaust. My favorite? Number the stars and Lily’s crossing. I was a strange child.

From what my grandma…I call her Omi, its German…she’s German (understand why World War Two movies annoy her?)…anyways. From what my Omi tells me Papa wanted to join the war during Vietnam but she wouldn’t let him because she was pregnant with my father. He ended up going to Maryland University and working full time to support his family. That’s a man. I don’t think he loved Jesus though. Real men love Jesus. His daddy did.

My great-grandfather, John Bigbee, I get compared to all the time because of our common love of Jesus and worship leading. He went to Israel and recorded a record…yeah that old. He has another record. I think I have a copy of it somewhere. He also performed at Carnegie Hall one time. His form of worship leading is nothing like what I do though. Interesting how we do the same thing just in different era’s and it looks completely different. I wish I could have met that man.

Anyways back on topic…my Papa I guess I’m intrigued by him because I realize his time here with us is winding down. Obviously now is the time, if I want to remember him at all, to create some sort of bond with him. So tonight I watched a show with him on MLB network. It talked about ballparks and how they play a role in the actual playing of baseball. Have you heard of the marine layer theory? I hadn’t. Makes since though, the air on the west coast is thicker due to the ocean I think...let’s go with that. So the distance the ball travels in the parks on the west coast is shorter since the air’s thicker. Pitchers like pitching there. On the other hand Coors Field has the thinnest air so it has season after season been the field with the most home runs hit. In 2002 they started keeping balls in a humidifier so they wouldn’t shrink during play time. Yeah, weird.  Betcha just learned something.

That was my bonding moment with Papa tonight.

I thought you should know that Grandad’s are something to be cherished.

Pain in the Butt

  I was shooting around in the driveway the other day when this instance came to mind....

While at my first day of work I mentioned to my manager that I knew the girl who was training me because we played basketball in highschool together. I had joked about how much her and another girl really didn't like me...she spoke up...her reason?

I was a pain in the butt.

Woah talk about humbling. I can't tell you the last time I've been called that. It reminded me of where Gods brought me from. Unless someone has seen me when I get whinny...because well it happens..I dont think anyone would call me a pain in the butt anymore. My intentions are pure for the most part these days...Its part of what following Christ has given me. Yeah just a random thought.

 

  Sometimes out of nowhere you can be reminded of who you were and who you are.

It's a Beautiful Picture, It Really Is

   There have been so many words on my heart today. After filtering through what could be edited out this is what I've come down to...
    My last day in the Leadership College Robert Barriger from Camino de Vida church in Peru came and led a seminar on world missions. It was for class credit but obviously since that would be my last day I didn't need the credit. I do believe, however, I didn't sit though that seminar for nothing. Pastor Robert explained what he believes to be the difference between a burden and a calling. How appropriate! After all, I had just decided to step away from my already guaranteed degree to pursue something I felt my Father wanted me to do.
    To figure out if you're experiencing a burden or calling you need to do one thing...go. You won't know if you're meant to be somewhere if you never go and experience it for yourself. Also appropriate because I had literally just gotten back from encounter weekend at the STL dream center just a few days before. Pastor Robert goes on to say if when you get back and have meditated on the experience you feel a weight on your heart but are so glad that there are others there doing the work...that's a burden. You are willing to give and sacrifice just as long as you aren't the one having to devote your all to the place or cause. The beginning of a calling, on the other hand, is when you come back and all you can think and talk about is the people. Not complaining of the surroundings or the food but being over joyed by the hearts that where impacted while you where there. Pastor Robert said a lot of other great things as well and maybe I'll put those in another post some other day but for now I want to tell you of the people that are the reason I'm called. The ones who I can't get out of my mind...even if I really wanted to.
   I'll start with Penny, a woman I met during street. Some of the wonderful Dream Center girls and myself had gone to Delmar loop, which takes a different kind of evangelistic approach...really its a lot like what we would do here in Clayton. Bless someone (our choice method was a Starbucks gift card)...open the door to talk about Jesus. There where three and I was given the last one to hand out. While walking down the street I had fallen behind the other four girls because I was focused on praying in spirit that God would open my eyes to who needed to know He loved them most. It took some time. In fact, we must have walked up and down the street three times before I found her, before I found Penny. We walked by this food place, I don't know I guess it could've been like a Jimmy Johns or something, I really have no clue. Immediately I knew it was her who needed it. I was so excited that I left behind the girl who was supposed to go with me (never do street alone...rule one). As I approached Penny she was sitting at a table in the corner by herself with a ton of papers in front of her. I really had no clue what to expect but I had no fear. Nothing was going through my mind except that I needed to communicate His unending love to her. I approached her and greeted her. I told her I felt like God was telling me to bless her with the card then I asked if we could pray for her. That was all it took. Penny ended up talking our ears off. I could tell you her whole life story if I had to it seems. Luckily my dream center partner helped close the conversation as we had a curfew to make. It wasn't until after really analyzing the whole situation that I realized the impact it made on me. At first I had written it off because of the experience I had the first time I went on street with the guy I'll tell you about later in the post. Penny did leave a mark on me though. I can't really explain how...maybe it's that I should talk less and listen more, hurting people have a lot to say. I just know that scene of standing there and talking to her replays through my head all the time. It's wonderful really, when there's no fear to approach someone with the means of talking about the Savior that rescued you. 
      Then there's Antoine. This guy is really something else. I met him during adopt-a-block the Saturday I went back to STL by myself. I went out with another great group of dream center students to knock on doors and connect with the people who live on the blocks located around the dream center. Really I just ended up picking up trash but hey I don't mind. If that's what it takes...sign me up. We were wrapping up our day when this SUV that's driving by starts honking its horn... I can tell you that going through all of our minds was Oh goodness...whats about to go down? We all turn to look at this guy(Antoine) getting out of his car; red shorts, white shirt. As he approached he engages us asking if we're from the dream center. One of the ladies from the dream center responded and entered into a conversation with Antoine. I sat back and watched the whole conversation unfold. A lot was said but the thing that I keep thinking about is how he thanked us (or technically them) for the consistency the dream center shows on those blocks. Consistency is beautiful. Consistency is necessary if you want to see a real change. Consistency in serving is something I want to be apart of. I keep telling everybody how in awe I was of this young guy purposely stopping us just to say they're doing a good job...in the middle of the hood. You can't tell me that the dream center isn't making an impact because I've seen it first hand. Antoine is another story that I could paint you a vivid picture of because it's still so fresh in my mind.  
   I saved my favorite for last; Rob, a man that’s homeless that I met during my first street ever. That experience is going to be a hard one to live up to, mainly because I'm passionate about individuals that are homeless. That night played out like this. It was the first time our particular Leadership college group had done street ministry together. I had never done it before and was completely nervous. A part of me felt like I wasn't strong enough in my faith to lead someone else into it. The beginning of the night went alright. The person I was paired up with took the lead on all the conversations...which kind of bummed me out BUT the last conversation of the night was worth it. After the group, minus myself and Kaitlyn, had led a few guys to Christ during a restroom pit stop we headed over to the local homeless shelter…a.k.a my comfort zone. I’ve never been afraid on individuals that are homeless…even though I’m told I should be. So we went and my partner and I tried speaking to this man but his vernacular was so disheveled that we couldn’t understand a thing he was saying, We leaned in trying to listen harder but nothing was making sense, except when we asked if we could pray for him he clearly said no. So we moved on and caught up with the rest of our team who had finished talking to their people. We all gathered and prayed a brief prayer for the man who wouldn’t let us pray for him. But then there was nobody left to talk to. We’re surrounded by people but everyone had already been approached about Jesus that night. We only had like 10 minutes left until we we’re supposed to leave to go back to the dream center, so here’s what I did. The entire night I felt a little uneasy, kind of like I was pushing my faith on people. There’s that saying that people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. I really care for people who have to sleep outside at night. I can’t explain why, it’s just a natural attraction I have towards them.  So I approached this man (Rob) with no desire other than to let him know somebody does care. I had no intention of talking about Jesus…he had already heard all of that… sometimes people just want to feel that connection with another person.  I greeted him , told him my name, and offered him a chewy bar. I noticed he wasn’t looking at me but ahead towards the hustle and bustle of the streets. So I asked him if that’s what he does all night…it is. I asked him if he sleeps…he doesn’t.  Just in case you’re wondering, he didn’t seem to be on any substances or have any particular mental illness that would be the cause of his homeless. He seemed pretty normal and responded very well to all I was asking him. I told him about the project I did on homelessness in Raleigh, he thought that was cool. I asked him how far he has to walk to get from place to place. Keep in mind for people in Raleigh its 5-10 a day. His answer was 8-14. Having to walk 14 miles a day is crazy. He let me pick up his bag to feel how heavy it is. It’s heavy. He carries that bag all of his days walking, watching, walking, watching. That’s his life. So I asked him if he didn’t mind me asking why in the world is he homeless.  If you know anything about homelessness the three main causes are substance abuse, mental illness, and unemployment, his was the latter. He told me he has a trade and that he’s trying to find work but not being able to because when he goes into an interview he’s labeled as homeless and written off. I shared with him how homelessness should never be what defines him. Christ died for him just as much as He died for me. He’s equal not less. With that our conversation had to come to an abrupt end. Our lovely dream center guide had been shouting the code word for us to get back to the van… I didn’t hear it until the end of what I was telling Rob. I gave him another chewy bar ( I liked him too much not to give him my last one) and left.  If I’ve ever shared anything about my senior project with you then you would know that I’ve been praying for a candid conversation like that to take place since the day I started my project over a year before. I never got it in the timing that I thought I needed but I received it in His timing. How beautiful things are when they’re Gods timing and not your own! So Rob might just be my favorite person on the planet…but he’ll never know that. He is what sparked that first feeling of a call within my heart. If I could thank him, I would thank him a thousand times.
  These are just a few stories that where the beginning of my calling. These are the stories that I tell people over and over again and I’m just as excited as I was the first time I told it. One of my favorite things that Pastor Robert said during the seminar was:

The Bible doesn’t say for God so loved the world that He sent a text or an email…it says that for He so loved the world that He sent a physical person to rescue it.

   I can’t save these people but I can lead them to the one who can. Jesus came to this Earth a missionary. He left His Father in Heaven to come here to a place less perfect in order to give us a home again. It’s a beautiful picture, it really is.